It was actually your fault this time.

Diagnosis

You’ve done the reflecting. The reflecting is why you feel worse. He was, annoyingly, nice.

Treatment

You do not get a dog. A dog is a reward, and rewards are for women who did not torch a perfectly decent relationship over a text they cannot, in the cold light of day, defend. You get a cat. Specifically, you get a cat who will look at you with the precise disappointment you have earned.

It will not come when called. It will sit just out of reach and study you like a tax audit. It will knock a full glass of water off the counter while maintaining eye contact, and you will apologize to it. You will spend two hundred dollars on a tower it treats as a mild suggestion and sleep, instead, in the cardboard box it arrived in. This is not companionship. This is a sentence, and you will serve it, and it is what you deserve.

Before you adopt, check the shelter’s process and make sure your home and budget are ready for another creature’s needs. The automatic feeder is for your peace of mind, not a substitute for attention. Get the premium litter because you are not allowed nice things but the cat is. A lint roller is now a household essential, alongside accepting that black clothes have entered a new era.

Fill Your Prescription

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• cat tower
• automatic feeder
• premium cat litter
• laser pointer
• family-size lint roller

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Side Effects

On approximately day 40 the cat will fall asleep on your chest exactly once, and you will weep with gratitude wildly disproportionate to the event. You will understand that you have learned nothing and will do all of this again.